first rain of the season
let's stand in it, till we
turn blue
let's stand in it, till we
turn blue
Don Baird Hi Dalvir . . . this needs a little editing to become a hokku. RIght now, it stands as a senryu . . . being more about the human element than nature.
Lisette Root In India I understand the first monsoon rain is hugely celebrated, and welcomed with joyful open arms:)
Carole MacRury I'd like the idea of 'first monsoon'...to show your country. It adds so much more to me. And then go from there...
Robert D. Wilson This is not a hokku. It reads like a prose piece. Your revision is a descriptive illustration. Standing still among trees getting drenched by the first rain of the season is a human act without mystery. It is pure activity without a solid connectivity to nature's creative force, zôka. Inviting someone to stand in it til you both turn blue is human-centric and senru-oriented.
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